~u think u know a person.....~

...& then...
u find a picture u took while on a trip together to europe.....

on his new dating profile.....

**crickets chirping***

it also happens to be in the same set of pictures of the one u FRAMED w/ luv for him....
for xmas....

as a remembrance of your romantic nite walkin along the canals.

u tell yourself to *breath*....
tell yourself... "hey .....he had a camera that nite too....."
its prolly NOT THE SAME PIC...

so...
u go out to your flickr acct......
pull up the foto...
& compare them side by side.....

~FUCK~

yup.....its your pic.....
on his dating profile......
being used to lure the next victim......

his profile states:

"I am intelligent, philosophical, easy-going, well educated, but very down to earth. I have worked hard to be very successful in my career. I have traveled to Asia, Europe, all over the USA, and many places in between for business and pleasure."

um...yeah.....
he forgot to add that he works so hard ...

that in fact...

in his cold-hearted successfulness...he may ignore his new luv for days......

& not understand what the big deal is.....

when she explains she needs more.....

& last.....

he will send this communication in an email back when asked to remove the foto:

"Seems like it would be a kind gesture to let me use it, considering I paid for your whole trip. Or did you forget about that?"

.....yeah......feel the luv?....poor thing...
he's forgotten the monies I shelled out ((i may have been unemployed-yes but i also wanted to contribute))...
& he seems really heartbroken that we broke up....huh.

~WOW~

~& now for something completely different...~

i thought it was time for a little communication around here....
Buddha-nose (lord knows for you non-Buddha heads)...
it hasn't been all the rainbows & kittens lately.....
& to be honest......
i am trying to will myself into happiness....
BE THE HAPPY....i think it goes...

in preparation for my call w/ my committee chair in the am....
she so accommodatingly sent her feedback from last week...

ever feel sooo defeated u just want to cry?...
yeah....done....

pityparty over.....
wanna know something else?.....

the person who i thought understood my journey......
& what a f'in nitemare this all is....
who i thought would be there when i am done...
& who i looked forward to spending time w/.......
has basically thrown in the towel....
yeah......

i have held off from blogging about it......
& not because i haven't wanted to scream FUCK U from the nearest mountain top.....
but because i personally think its cheating.....
U know....
reading someones blog to find out what is going on in their life .....
instead of picking up the fucking phone to check on them.....
yeah...i guess i will be the man here....

bravo....

u forced my hand.....

feel better?......

it's easier...huh?....

so u can say....."she broke it off w/ me"

what a chickenshit.....

so....we're done......time to get my key back......
get my stuff from your house....
return your stuff.....
& move on........

but....guess what....

since you got the job....

& the beautiful new car....

guess who will be doing the driving across town?....LOL

yeah...not me....

un-fuckin-believable ......
its been 11 days since we have spoken....
9 days since a text that told me to "get some rest" after I expressed my frustration re my Dissertation....how tired I was....how depressed i am re not working.....
& basically put it out there.....that it would be nice if u wanted to come over .....but I really needed to be at home writing .....
last time this happened......
last time the blame was placed on me.....
how it was my responsibility to call...
it was me who was to patch the fragile ego.....
u know....
cause that's what good little girls do...

fuck that...
i should've known.....
i tried to warn u.....
rebound girl was not what i wanted to be....

but here it is.....

your anger towards her sometimes is the pink elephant in the room....
your need to check her emails......to show up at her new mans court dates....your pre-occupation w/ the whole ass-fuckin you got from the divorce judge...

Its all understandable.....
really....
but ....it shouldn't be such a strong influence on our relationship.......

so...

because i know u check my blog....

consider this my communication.....

is this what u wanted?....

i guess it is....since i have nothing else to go by......

i think i told u last time......

never again...

fuck me over once....shame on u...

fuck me over twice?....shame on me.....

i deserve better.....

we almost made it a year.....i enjoyed our time....especially the trip.....thank you....

hopefully your new Bimmer arrived safe & sound?....

let me know ....

when you would like to exchange our stuff....

prolly after the superbowl....

since your friends are coming into town.....

back to my writing....my future.....my babies.....my photography....my PhD......& the few friends who still understand & believe in me.....

~~Everyday..I am Given a Message~~

....& today ....once again I was amazed.....
I just LUV LUV LUV when this shite happens......
the universe delivered...
I was there to get my pedi.....
'cause its ever -so -impt to keep Ur toes purty....
& it feeeels so good when they massage you too =)

anywho.....

on w/ the story ....right?!?.....

As I sat waiting for my pigs turn to have their pig par-tay.......
I was going thru my ever-existing rewrites.....
a women & her daughter were sitting next to me......

Note to self.....Lynn's house of pedi's / mani's is uber popular on Wednesday's......

They were there b4 me.....
& I was prepared to wait my turn......
as long as the nice hot bubbly water kept soakin my tootsies.....
cue women next to me ...
telling the girl to let me cut-in....
I thanked her.....
& the conversation ensued......

I won't bore U w/ details....
long story short???.......
we are both attending the same university ....
she is in the middle of her course work
for her PhD too...

it gets better....

we start talkin about how close we live to this shop....
turns out.....
we were over -the-fence neighbors from when I bought the house in 90.....
thru 95 I think....
She had a exceptional memory....
like UBER level .......
the level that makes U say......
holy SHIT...lol
now I know how others feel when I do that to them.......
She remembered my ex-husband....((big bodybuilder type)?
check....
she remembered the 65 baby iguana's I raised & sold .....
check...check......
she remembered that I wanted a snake when I was w/ Don but that he was deathly afraid of them...
WOW........
so...what was the universe REALLY trying to tell us both??....
because U KNOW.....
everything happens for a reason......
YES IT DOES KITTY.....lol.......

well.....
I believe that we met up again.....
to renew her enthusiasm in her studies.....
(she had shared her frustration & thoughts of quitting .........)

& for me?......
it renewed my passion in my study I have yet to conduct...
I guess I still sound passionate after all ....
as I explained it to her....=)

& bottom line?......
it renewed my Buddha-nature.....

I may have a new connection to the crazy people too .....
as she is a nurse who works in the one of our hospital psych wards......
I LUV this SHIT!!!!
as U were ......bitches....
I have work to do......

~~~UpDaTe~~

to the texting story......
since I have received emails....
read your comments....
& had verbal conversations over the past couple days...
re: what went down....
I thought U might be interested to know:

first .....the funny part??
somedays
B4 I hit the publish button....
I have to sit & try to get it in writing....
so U all can understand it......
relate to it....
have empathy...

not this one...
I wish all my postings
were this smooth-going...
this just went from mOtO to screen...
no embellishments or translating needed!! LOL

& ?? ~~~Have not heard word since ?!?....
hopefully he is embarassed by his behaviour ??
::::crickets chirping::::

YEAH.....HA!...
I KNOW......I crack myself up......
As U were!....
Toodles....poodles.....

~~HA!~~

Oh so true.....Here is my Horoscope for today.......LOL

(by Astrology.com)
If riding things out makes you feel too passive,
then this period of 'wait and see' is serving its purpose.
You are not totally in control of what is going on around you right now,
and the sooner you realize that, the better.
Take solace in the fact that just because you are not exercising your power
does not mean that you don't have power.
You will be able to use it later,
when you are in a position to be more effective with what you do.
The time is not right to act.

***OH...an update......so....he who sends evil emails ((( & states he is, incidently, NOT ANGRY....lol))), stated today
when I asked how we are getting the birds back to him ((& my other ex...read prev postings))......how about 6:30 this eve?
I told him Adam
the youngman down the street
is coming by to take care of the lawns...
but I will do my best to be there.
His retort?...
...oh..well, that worked out perfect for U.

:::blink blink:::

I explain
((lord knows why I try.....)),
"um....yeah...it was necessary
because no one would follow thru on statements
or, offers to help me.
Mr. Delusional....then says....
well, I offered, many times, but got yelled at so much that I just couldnt bring myself to do it.
OM f'in GODDESS!
ya know what fucker?...there is a HUGE difference between offering & following thru.....
mmmm?....perhaps the reason why our relationship fell apart
what kills me the most
during these conversations?
HE
HAS
NO
f'in
CLUE
he thinks his statements that he still loves me
are appropriate?!?!?!?
people...
if THAT is LOVE....he could...most def kill with kindness!!
....mmmmm....
IS THIS
where I can start
acting on my 'power' referred to in my horoscope??

~~HEY!~~

To the person who just wrote these lovely words in an email:

I really don't give a fuck about your blog...I don't give a fuck about what you do or who you do it with...I need closure...I really have more important things going on right now in my life...

Then
how about this
stop reading it!
jeez...I even changed the address
thinking that would throw U off
STOP overanalyzing what U think U are reading
& most importantly??
PLEEEZ STOP sending me anger filled emails!
BAH!

~~~Only in my world~~~

U know.....
with all this psych education
one would think
that I would be able to
maintain healthy relationships
apparently
I have
well.....
some (Kitty)
would say
I have overachieved
:::story of my life:::
why shouldnt I also
be the best
at screwing this aspect up too

Just what the F is she talkin aboooot?

well.......
I found out tonite
during a conversation
with the latest ex
who moved out of my home

apparently
there is a club
for the ex's of DrM2B
Niiiiiiiiiiice huh?
U see....
the two latest are now
sharing a house!?!?!?
...they can sit all nite & compare notes
like girlfriends usually do.....
...the difference?

Women compare notes on their OWN ex!
not the same one!

I guess ex -2 had help from they guy he used to rent a room from
& his best bud from yrs ago

As all three were moving ex-2's stuff into most recent ex-1's current HUGE 400k house they are now renting together....
the conversation started regarding me


of course ex-1 refused
to tell me what was said

MAN-CODE... I guess
::::jots down note to submit this to those Burt Reynolds beer commercial:::
Instead....he shared
"boy B*** REALLY doesnt like U"
& chuckled.....

I am perplexed as to why this recovering alcoholic
needs to spend time
hating me
Its not like hes part of the club or anything!!!!
technically, he's a wingman
wow....thanx B***.....U have not only wasted precious time on this big blue marble
concentrating on why I shoud not exist
but also......given me even more power in your life

should be interesting
the next time I run into U in the bldg!!
I can tell U now my dear BF's
this over 6 ft woman hating drunk
will hug me & be VERY cordial to my face

I think I am going to ask what the cost is to join the club
& just stand there waiting for an answer
teehee...........AGH! MEN.......

~~~The Wisdom of Fear~~~

My Daily OM managed to deliver another punch to the gut today. Today, of all days, the message talked about Honoring Life Changes. Coincidently, today was also the day he finished packing, hugged each of the pups, whispered how much he loved them, wiped the tears, put his keys on the counter, told me he would call when he was able to talk without crying, took his dog & left.

My daily OM message pointed out that anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it. Major changes in our lives have a way of bringing up deep fears. Supposedly, this type of fear is good. It is our way of questioning whether we really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Well, this “good” fear has thrown me off balance, made me feel uncertain and insecure. How is this good?......I know these feelings are telling me I am at the edge of my comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one.

Im doing my best to face this fear….head-mother-fuckin- on….but yesterday (regardless of how many things I saw wrong) is taunting me for some more of that dysfunctional drug. Perhaps, if the house wasn’t so quiet, I wouldn’t be able to hear it so well. I think I scrubbed, vacuumed & dusted too efficiently.…..those fuckin fears are very happy to sit in all the corners, waiting to whisper, as I wander from room to room.

I think I am going to have to have a long talk with these fears……sit them down in front of Buddha…..ask them why they decided to visit? Remind them this is what I have wanted…..that this is what is best …….for all concerned.

And, they better say all they are going to say, get it all out during our talk……. I need my sleep tonite…..the last thing I want to hear is all their questions, doubts, & irrational quick fixes.

~~~Today's quote from HHDL~~~

Love and Attachment

People often wonder how to reconcile the Buddha's teachings on non-attachment with those on love.

How can we love others without being attached to them?

Non-attachment is a balanced state of mind in which we cease overestimating others' qualities.

By having a more accurate view of others, our unrealistic expectations fall away, as does our clinging.

This leaves us open to loving others for who they are, instead of for what they do for us.

Our hearts can open to care for everyone impartially, wishing everyone to be happy simply because he or she is a living being. The feeling of warmth that was previously reserved for a select few can now be expanded to a great number of people.

U can sign up to have an email from His Holiness the Dalai Lama HERE.


I find these daily messages can be quite the jolt back to my Buddhist practice.....or lately....a reminder that I have not been following Buddha's teachings.

This message above really hit home when I read it. If you have read my blog for any time, you are aware of the struggle I have been having with the person I used to date, share my life, & plan a future with. We have been 'roomies' for a lack of a better description for about 2 yrs now. He moved into the guest room hoping it would all blow over once I finished my PhD. Unfortunately, jealousy of my openess on this BLOG fueled inappropriate bahaviors including very derogatory name-calling, character judgements and loud drunken hissy fits.

Why did I continue to allow this treatment?....Well, that is where this message today from HH comes in. I am aware I was waiting for him to 'realize' those hateful things he said about my character were a result of his inability to communicate in a healthy manner. I thought over time we could discuss it......really listen to eachother.....understand our own triggers.....& work on changing behaviors.

Unfortunately, he sees me as "shrinking" him. Pushing my booksmarts. And I'm sure you can see where that feedback & sharing was going to go! In one ear...out the other. What he failed to realize is.....what I was asking for is the same things anyone who wanted a healthy relationship would!......not because of the PhD journey.

At some point in all of this, I also realized I was not capable of communicating in a manner which would assist him to deal with the baggage if his upbringing & marriage. I suggested he see a therapist.......NOPE......instead...walls were built.....verbal tantrums went too far......emotional scars went too deep.... & here we are.

I've been asking him to find a place.....(usually in response to his claims of what a bitch I am & how I'm impossible to live with) for at least 6-8 monthes......yet.....he... is...still...here!?!?!?!? I ask you dear reader,......if its soooo terrible to live here.....why is he still doing it??


I know if my life was unbearable and I was living in someone elses house......who has told me we will never be a couple again.......that I would make the necessary changes to move on.


So........what finally hit home....& it is painful to admit.......is that I have been asking him to recognize triggers, behave like & change into someone he is not capable of. Most importantly?.....I have to accept he does not want to.


Remember the part of the message that told me non-attachment is having a more accurate view of him...which allows me to let go of my unrealistic expectations.


Today I am 'letting go'........not allowing triggers to happen.....not allowing his hurtful words to puncture me anymore....... & realizing that this behavior I do not wish to be a part of....is...just...him. He does not define me....& he is not my responsibility. He will behave as he wishes........just not in this house as of A WEEK FROM TODAY!!!

NAMASTE'

You know who I mean if you are reading this!!

Altered "Get Over It" by the EAGLES
I wake up every day and what do I hear - YOU cryin' "Don't blame me"
YOU point your crooked little finger at everybody else
Spend all your time feelin' sorry for yourself
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat
Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it
You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing
Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it
It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak
You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass
Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it
Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it
[ http://www.azlyrics.com/ ]

Apparently, I am a WHORE now......

Where did I last leave U my BF’s?.....oh yeah, I had received another email in which I was assured that I was to “kick-ass as usual” on my comprehensives…and that he thought it was “hot” that I share my body in my HNT’s & I shouldn’t censor my thoughts in my postings. He also added that he was not sure if I had read the emails from the nite before…but he would say these things in person, but he did not want to take my attention away from school.

So….okay…nice attempt to say he was sorry for flying off the handle the nite before when he stated that I was outright disrespectful to him by posting naked pics of myself in Francisco’s shirt….& offered to leave the house so I could get a booty call to give the shirt back.

Of course this am after getting home from another nite out with the boys (6 homo friends of his….HIS words not mine), he had some additional HATEFUL things to say. He proceeded to accuse me of driving to see Francisco last nite, lying to him about having dinner with my Aunt and Uncle who are in town from Florida, told me I don’t care about him as a person, that I am a WHORE, and I’m just like the asshole husband who makes the money & tells his wife she can leave HIS house.

For starters, I showed him the picture in my camera of dinner out with Auntie Diane and Uncle Frank, I even showed him the leftovers in the frig. I told him the name & location of the restaurant to counter the # of miles he “knows I drove last nite”….(I know…kinda stalkerish…huh?) I told him the reason I didn’t call to tell him I was going to dinner (instead of working on my comps)…..was that they invited me (second time this week), I made it a quick dinner break from studying, and he was across the fuckin valley with his friends……besides I wanted to have dinner with my Aunt and Uncle…just us…catching up….no entertaining conversations, no long lingering cups of coffee.

Without going into tooo much detail, I strongly corrected him on his statement that I do not care about him as a person. He has been living here for almost three years. We started out hot & heavy...but that fizzled out....to the point of no significant other-type relationship for the last year & a 1/2....more roomies than anything else. Last year I had found out some behaviours that were dishonest of his….we talked it out…..he assured me he would change…and I let him stay. YES,…let him stay in my house…..because I enjoyed him….his company….the way he cares about the animals….and supports my school load by helping out. I thought we could work on the relationship to get it back to a trusting level. Apparently, I was off base.

Okay…the whore comment…..I’m still in shock that he even called me that….and I’m really trying to remember what happened in the conversation that caused him to call me that. Oh …I remember….he said when he pulled up my BLOG to show his friends the other nite……”I had 6 homo’s looking over my shoulder, telling me…dude she’s not thinking of U in those pictures..” I asked him how the story of Francisco’s shirt (acquired 3 years ago) which accompanied my HNT constitutes me being a WHORE?!?!?

Needless to say, I asked him to call his friend Barry (who offered him a place to stay to get away from me)…..to find out when he can move-in. I REFUSE to be called a WHORE by anyone….especially someone who I thought believed in me…what I stand for….and that I opened my home to.

So dear BF’s…this weeks POLL centers around how your BLOG represents U. I know, I have no qualms about anyone, friends or family coming across my BLOG. I could answer to anything I have BLOGGED about. I thoroughly enjoy the relationships I have formed thru my BLOG. Readers of my BLOG know more about me than some of my IRL friends. Not that I hide these thoughts from them, we just do not take the time to get to this level.

U asked for IT! .....

Well, it must be going around....a sickness...like the flu.....it hits U right in the gut. It starts out with an email. U wonder why this person sending Uan email WHEN THEY LIVE WITH U!

Seems a certain someone is upset that they have never been mentioned, blogged about, captured in film on my BLOG. Their email, (which can only be described as an electronic version of a good old hissy fit, pitty party, drama scene...well you get the pic).....states they will never be visiting my BLOG again due to someone else being blogged about in my HNT's. HOW DARE I.... tell a story ( of an event from 3 yrs ago) to go with my HNT pics. How dare I mention an ex-lover. How dare I exhibit HNT's of me for the world to see!


Well, in my opinion...and I can give that all I want here ....because it's MY FUCKIN BLOG,

if

you don't have the balls to discuss this in person when U are home, and have to write an email from a friends computer at 2:30 in the morning, and make accusatory remarks about "needing to leave for the weekend, so I can get my booty-call in and give the shirt back"......

then

I will continue on as if I never got your wicked hateful email and post HNT's til the cows come home....... I think I have a smokin bod....so why NOT flaunt it while it's flauntible!!

Any opinions here folks???
Talk amongst yourselves....
I'll just be over here buried in my books!

***EDIT*** so, another nite.....and another email !! U believe it? In it he gives support for my comps...knowing how focused I am...and that he is not afraid to express his thoughts in person.....but not now with comps going on. HA!