~trying to do 'the right thing'..whatever that is....~

ever try to do the right thing?...
with all the best intentions...
move forward wondering if what you have decided was noticed?...
reflected upon w/ positive intent?
knowing that it is really all u can do....

put it out into the universe...
hoping the universe will deliver the message w/ the love & acceptance w/ which the decision was made?

then later....
come to find out ...
thru 6 degrees of separation...
that your actions were...
in fact viewed ...
soooooooooooo not the way it was intended in the first place...
w/ love...
plain & simple...
w/ respect & love....

well...
that is where i sit...

after getting a phone call yesterday....

actually....i was told twice last week.....
"they knew who said it"...
fist off...
ask me if I care who the 'they' are in this whole scenario?..."yeah"...not so much....
but...
i do care about & miss dearly the person who this whole incident revolves around.....
we all worked together for years.....
the usual groups of friends formed...
inside & out of the work environment
bottom line?...
i am who i am either place....
yes...that prolly has been all along...
my downfall to reaching above the ranks i was at...
& thats ok....
i knew....i could sleep at nite....
i dont mince words....
i speak the truth.....
((& yes..i have learned over the yrs to ask..."are you sure you want my opinion"...))...
this behaviour trait of mine .....
has won admiration....caused rifts between people....& some people have left my life because of it....
& thats ok too....

so anyway.....

back to the issue.....
this person & i used to be thick as thieves.....
roadtrips....
pinky sweared secrets...
experiences that went into 'the vault' ....never to come out....

but that is now....
yrs ago....
she has since ....
accepted her 'cousin' who to my last understanding ....
was still married to a man...& father of her 4 children...
as her life partner....& were living toether in my previous friends home.....
so be it.....
i accepted ...
worried?...yes.....
but accepted.....
so many different dynamics going on....
such possibility for an unhappy ending
but they seemed to be getting thru it....
so i was happy for her....

unfortunately....
our bond fell to the wayside....
which is understandable....
new responsibilities....
less & less free time....
which when avail.....
now was focused on her relationship......
no more roadtrips.....
no more shopping sprees
no more just hanging out.....
times change...

so.....imagine my surprise when i read on her blog ....
they have bought another home ....
& moved......
no phone call....
no email...
no invite to the housewarming party that was shown in the pictures on her blog.....
hurt?...yeah i guess....
used to it?....also sadly yes.....
......u see .....we used to live w/in walking distance.....
now....who knows where she moved to....
& evidently....she didnt want me to know either.....
& i was more than willing to accept this .....
i'm not in the community....
a hetero....a bi...a non-lesbian....
i guess thats how i rationalize this all....
she & her 'cousin"partner...w/the four kids are now fully integrated into the community.....
no time for nonfamily friends......

now...the old DrM2B would've continued to email.....
invite for a random saturday roadtrip.....
like we used to .....
but i made a conscious decision to take a step back.....
not intrude....
not force an invitation....
not obligate....
after they moved .....w/ no word.

so....now ......((if you're still w/ me here)) we are present day....
& this previous friend still works where we used to together.....
& has very openly displayed the sonograms of her & her partners (& ?doner?) twins on her blog......
was i shocked....
no ....she had always wanted to be a parent.....
was i surprised they actually went thru w/ adding two more mouths to their family?....
not really....
i guess at this point.....i am so far removed .....i'm viewing it all as someone looking in.....
not a friend involved in the event.....

was i wondering 'wtf' when i heard thru the grapevine.....
that she 'had' to make an announcement at work regarding the babies.....
because 'someone" ((read...me)) had spoken to another previous co-worker....who then told someone who still works there....who then decided to ask her 'if she was preggers"......

yeah.....i was more than miffed...
first off.....why would someone NOT want to share something that is supposed to be a wonderful joyous loving event in their lives?.....
what kind of vibe does THAT send to the babies?....
why place blame on me....
when its public info....(um..out on the internets)....
i, unlike others w/in that org....still have working adult relationships w/ people i worked w/.....
relationships built on friendships....
we catch up on the phone....have lunch....check in on each other ...
the relationships didnt end....just because we didnt work together any longer....
i cannot say the same for all the others who still work there.....

& so now u see....
we're back to my original point...
i am who i was.....& will continue to be so going forward.....
someone who cared ....
someone who dearly misses her friend....
but also someone who thought she was respecting the space which grew over the last couple yrs.....
unfortunately.....also ....someone who is an easy scapegoat.....
& thats o.k.