~~Cursed FU friday a Day Late~~

Cursed mother for giving me up for adoption...
& setting me up for always searching....
Cursed adoptive parents for spoiling me....& instilling 'rules'...when ya know?...
there really aren't any!

Cursed brothers for reaaaally never accepting me.....
in fact.....curse the oldest
who was ALWAYS competing......
well MOFO....
I won
I had the balls...U did not.... to ask dad for a yr in college
overseas......
U're just mad I thought of it.....& followed thru
it was avail for any of us.....
then......I got the MBA....
so...U did too....
cant be out performed by your little sis
so...FU....I am now PhD ABD.....
put that in MY peace pipe that you teased me about all my growing yrs
....whiteboy......
what....
its not like you were there to protect me
from all the prejudice
I endured
being the "beautiful girl with a yr-round tan"
from all the 'white' upper middleclass people we went to school with....

silly me
I thought over-achieving would ease the pain....
gain acceptance
......Class pres....yr-book editor....honors club....community newspaper writer & academic representative.... state swimmer.....art club exhibit winner......pompon squad captain......student council events coordinator.....college prep coursework.....honor roll (god forbid a B)
no-wonder I was considered 'stuck-up'......

HELL, I even dated the quarterback, the college scouted baseball pitcher Tom Nevers, who later broke my heart and ultimately erased my confidence in males -- overall;

Dated the soon to be marine - Mike Butler - who, quite frankly, sucked at kissing, & only dated me because of who I was & because rumor had it - I 'put out';

Dated the all state swimmer Mike Hogue who wanted to 'go all the way' at the drive -in, because he heard from Mike--> well, U know;

Dated the all state cross-country runner "caterpillar eyebrow Sr"--as my mother referred to him yrs later, who, in my opinion, drove a cool car-->a carmengia (sp?);
I only dated caterpillar eyebrows because he was a SR & so I could be that "freshman on prom court";

Of course, thru-out, I was awarded for this & awarded for that--
because 'it is important that one build that pre-college resume'....
U know.....the required on paper PERFECT IMAGE of the socialite I was to become.......

It's no wonder I formulated an escape plan......
I learned to tell the entire school faculty I was in one meeting or another ......
the result?
No one really knew where I was
but because of my reputation
I got away with it:
where was I really?
In the park, drinking, skipping class with the bad-boy white trash- whose father worked in the automotive factory - hottie--> Steve.......
I smoked cigs, pot, ran away from home, took pills to escape....& basically tried in a desperate attempt - to blend.....& not call anymore attn to myself.......

NEWS FLASH.....
IT DIDNT WORK!

Hence the escape to AZ after the HUGE & I am talking-HUGE-newspaper covered- wedding........to my 1st husband--> my hottie of a bodybuilder mailman BOB.....
How HUGE U ask?
well, I am talkin --fuckin all-out.....
cover of bride magazine dress, 500 sit-down 4 course dinner at the country club with bagpipers (my adoptive father is Scottish..& if you have been reading for any time....U know I went to college outside of Edinburgh, while living in a castle with 100 other students.....), Champagne flowing like water, open bar, people flown in....all resort costs covered for out-of-towners --kind of- all out.

Of course, in preparation, my mom , dad & fiance' flew Scotland for a couple weeks, (while I lived there) to get all the wedding party kilts fitted & purchased.
In all fairness, though, I must say, there wasn't a dry eye in the church when my father walked me down the aisle in full regalia........he was stunning.......
My bro's, & the bagpipers, who welcomed the reception guests, at the country club, all wore my father's clan (MacDonald) tartan.
Beautiful, Beautiful, day...one that a little girls wedding dream is made of.....unfortunately, it turned out to be a failure of a marriage.......
we didn't come to AZ together...I came under the ruse of a new job...
& never looked back.......yes....he followed me.....& still lives here...
see previous post on ex's being roomies!!
R U still reading this?.......to be honest ........after being up all nite.....
& consuming a bottle of wine (HUGE bottle), I have forgotten why I started this rant.......
wait....yes.....
I DO remember.....it was to be a general 'FU Friday'.....
albeit, a day late.......still in the spirit of 'FU Fridays'!
sorry 212~not as timely as yours are.....LOL
I guess I can say...for a fact
being prompt has NEVAH been my forte' (ask Kitty...she has been extremely understanding & creative in trying to get me to be on time thru the yrs.....LUV ya babe).....
"fashionably late" as my mom always says......
any who
my original thought process was....
to ask

WHY
why do we hold ourselves back from potential bliss?
what holds us back behaviourally??
What rules state or dictate our actions...
our thought processes?

what tells us we can not talk to that person we find interesting, kind, compassionate, in the line in front of us?......

Why do we feel, subconsciously,
we are not to linger a little longer, in the produce section at the grocery store,
after making eye contact?
or when we experience that rare feeling of electricity if we accidentally brush up against someone??

Why do we feel we should not engage outside the safety of our familiar circle???

I am not sure....
but...I do know...personally?.....
more often that not, that these days....
I am sooooo over it......
yet, when I act on this phenomenon...
reach out to that friend I have not met yet....
make conversation with a passing stranger...

I experience a strange reaction...
I am the FREAK....
who dares
to connect....
WHAT THE!?!?!?!
OMGoddess....please tell me
I am not alone in feeling sad about this!!!!
It is SOOO wrong.

I am quite confident U all know what I am talkin about here.......
(especially this time of yr)
when everyone is on the road.....
in the stores...
chasing their childhood memories
of that PERFECT Christmas...
The Norman Rockwell photo op.
Trying to recreate what is just ...not ...possible....
being rude or impatient, in the retail setting.....
& for what,
I ask U?!?!?

Well, it has been my observation (cause that's what I do.....observe).......heh heh.....
that it is usually over worldly possessions......
(& people wonder why suicide & murder rates raise this time of yr!!??)

HELLO!!...
this shit DOES NOT MATTER
FUCK...

I hate to break it to you......
that cool guy who roamed the dessert???
with his biblical day "posse" in hemp clothing????
um yeeeaaaah.....
great collection of stories,
cool dude
but.....sorry.......
he was born in the SPRING
NOT in some fantasy manger

::::cue lightning bolt over my house here::::
so.....bottom line?.....life is suffering.........((according to Buddha...))

& for some reason?
apparently, today I needed to let this shit off my chest =)

DO me a flavor....???
in the last few days before that magical date on the calendar when people strive to prove their love......
PLEASE.......try to play nice out there.....we are all the same......
let that crazy person cut in front of U in traffic!
smile at the person waiting on you
acknowledge them as U......
THANK THEM
& most of all ?!?!

TRY...ONCE....JUST ONCE TODAY....(we can work up to higher frequency),
to.....SLOWWWW DOWN!!

BE THE CHANGE U WISH TO SEE !!!

U'd be surprised how it changes the moment....for shizzle!!!

My Disclaimer****This is what happens when I have too much wine & stay up all nite???? ******

**Remember......I am always interested in your feedback, guidance...criticisms.....& original thoughts!!! It can only serve to make me a better person.....blessed be! ***
HEY....if U made it this far??......I have the right to ask....did you celebrate the Winter Solstice properly?????...