"The best laid plans of mice & (wo)men "

I came across this picture while surfing the other nite........it reminded me that I have lost my way as of late. I had to admit guilt of NOT being in the moment these past few month's. To be honest, there haven't been many conscious "moments" recorded throughout my PhD journey of the past two years.

I was obsessed with jumping thru doctoral hoops.....performing what my committee had asked of me without question. I put my life on hold.....told friends and family we would catch up in future days. I chose daily what I had time for: work, social life, family, attending Dharma teachings, going to the gym, tending to my pets, and school. I asked workmates to excuse the sleepiness because I was up writing. All of this was unfair and selfish. I wonder though, what other way was there?? I am not blessed with a significant other who could provide while I treated my PhD as a fulltime job.


Well, now what? ......I've been asking myself that same question for the last two weeks. As you read previously, I was told my comps were not satisfactory....and that I had two weeks to rewrite them. Because I thought my comps were done, and I had bills to pay....I accepted a new position and timed it so my start date would be after my comps were due. After I got the news that I would be rewriting my comps, I realized my first two weeks in the new job were going to be rather stressful!! But hey.......it was only two weeks, right? Ease into the new job responsibilities and spend everyother waking hour rewriting my comps was the plan.

This is where "the plan" went "awry". Eight days into rewriting the comps, on the way to work, I was rear-ended. My little dependable jeep (over 100,000 miles) only suffered damage to the rear left quarter panel and a flat tire. The guy who hit me? His front-end was all smashed in. When he hit me, his car went under my back end and lifted me up......threw my little jeep about 3 car lengths and whipped my around facing the other way. I wasn't hurt all that bad. No real injuries other than a huge knot on my head, bruises on my leg, hip, rib and arm. I was very fortunate.

My new employment was kind and understanding enough to give me time off. I laid in bed for a few days trying to nurse my migraine headaches, and sore body. All the while, knowing the time was ticking away against me regarding my comps. Now, without going into detail, lets just say the attitude of my committee chair concerning my inital comps was less than warm and caring. The supposed relationship that exists between a candidate and their mentor, committee chair did not exist. In fact, when I submitted my comps the first time, she was no where to be found for over a week. She didn't respond to email or voicemails I left asking if she received them. After a week, I resent them to the rest of my committee and asked if they knew what was up with Dr. XXX?? Lo and behold, out of the woodwork comes a response from her stating: I'm sorry I haven't responded, Ive been recovering from surgery, thank you for sending them to the rest of the committee.

Throughout the whole process, her behavior was rude and condescending. I listened to her comments about other professors, learners and the school overall. After my accident, I didn't think calling her was a good decision. I figured she would just think I was looking for an extension or trying to buy more time. Silly me.....I actually thought I would be fine... up and writing and have them done by the deadline.

The Tuesday nite (day 14), the deadline, came and went. Try as I did, I wasn't able to finish them...so I did the next best thing and called my committee chair. I left a message on her answering machine stating the circumstance and that I would do my best to get them to her by midnight Wednesday. Long story short...... No notice from her....no sympathy for my accident....she called to let me know I've been disenrolled from the university. Of course its under appeal. Of course I have done my research and found out that I am not alone in this situation. Apparently, there are many PhD candidates that have also paid their 40K, done the work, obtained high GPA (4.0 for me)....and somehow managed to fail their comps.

I am sure if its the new comps process (previously there was not a 6 wk time limit on getting them done), or if I am the latest victim of my committee chair and her change in demeanor as of late (post surgery and 'angry at the University). As of Monday the 28th, I have the chore of convincing the school that my "case" is worthy of a reversal. If my appeal falls on deaf ears, then I will submit an application to another university in order to finish what I started.

This whole experience has left me a little off kilter. I have been forced to re-evaluate the value of this PhD journey. I keep looking inward, to my Buddhist teachings for answers to why this happened, what part I played in the fallout, what was the lesson?? I believe all things happen for a reason. I just wish "that" reason would surface so I could get back on track. LOL

Are you still reading??? This is where I tell U I'm not sure why I've even decided to BLOG this whole ugly experience. If anyone has any advice....words of wisdom, or insight ....please leave a comment. It will be greatly appreciated. In closing, the statement below I think says it all........" There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way". I plan on staying more in the moment ...... happy moments. Perhaps I will find my "way" again.