just gathering my thoughts....& wondering if u still stop by.....
~~~Today's quote from HHDL~~~
Love and Attachment
People often wonder how to reconcile the Buddha's teachings on non-attachment with those on love.
How can we love others without being attached to them?
Non-attachment is a balanced state of mind in which we cease overestimating others' qualities.
By having a more accurate view of others, our unrealistic expectations fall away, as does our clinging.
This leaves us open to loving others for who they are, instead of for what they do for us.
Our hearts can open to care for everyone impartially, wishing everyone to be happy simply because he or she is a living being. The feeling of warmth that was previously reserved for a select few can now be expanded to a great number of people.
U can sign up to have an email from His Holiness the Dalai Lama HERE.
I find these daily messages can be quite the jolt back to my Buddhist practice.....or lately....a reminder that I have not been following Buddha's teachings.
This message above really hit home when I read it. If you have read my blog for any time, you are aware of the struggle I have been having with the person I used to date, share my life, & plan a future with. We have been 'roomies' for a lack of a better description for about 2 yrs now. He moved into the guest room hoping it would all blow over once I finished my PhD. Unfortunately, jealousy of my openess on this BLOG fueled inappropriate bahaviors including very derogatory name-calling, character judgements and loud drunken hissy fits.
Why did I continue to allow this treatment?....Well, that is where this message today from HH comes in. I am aware I was waiting for him to 'realize' those hateful things he said about my character were a result of his inability to communicate in a healthy manner. I thought over time we could discuss it......really listen to eachother.....understand our own triggers.....& work on changing behaviors.
Unfortunately, he sees me as "shrinking" him. Pushing my booksmarts. And I'm sure you can see where that feedback & sharing was going to go! In one ear...out the other. What he failed to realize is.....what I was asking for is the same things anyone who wanted a healthy relationship would!......not because of the PhD journey.
At some point in all of this, I also realized I was not capable of communicating in a manner which would assist him to deal with the baggage if his upbringing & marriage. I suggested he see a therapist.......NOPE......instead...walls were built.....verbal tantrums went too far......emotional scars went too deep.... & here we are.
I've been asking him to find a place.....(usually in response to his claims of what a bitch I am & how I'm impossible to live with) for at least 6-8 monthes......yet.....he... is...still...here!?!?!?!? I ask you dear reader,......if its soooo terrible to live here.....why is he still doing it??
I know if my life was unbearable and I was living in someone elses house......who has told me we will never be a couple again.......that I would make the necessary changes to move on.
So........what finally hit home....& it is painful to admit.......is that I have been asking him to recognize triggers, behave like & change into someone he is not capable of. Most importantly?.....I have to accept he does not want to.
Remember the part of the message that told me non-attachment is having a more accurate view of him...which allows me to let go of my unrealistic expectations.
Today I am 'letting go'........not allowing triggers to happen.....not allowing his hurtful words to puncture me anymore....... & realizing that this behavior I do not wish to be a part of....is...just...him. He does not define me....& he is not my responsibility. He will behave as he wishes........just not in this house as of A WEEK FROM TODAY!!!
NAMASTE'
People often wonder how to reconcile the Buddha's teachings on non-attachment with those on love.
How can we love others without being attached to them?
Non-attachment is a balanced state of mind in which we cease overestimating others' qualities.
By having a more accurate view of others, our unrealistic expectations fall away, as does our clinging.
This leaves us open to loving others for who they are, instead of for what they do for us.
Our hearts can open to care for everyone impartially, wishing everyone to be happy simply because he or she is a living being. The feeling of warmth that was previously reserved for a select few can now be expanded to a great number of people.
U can sign up to have an email from His Holiness the Dalai Lama HERE.
I find these daily messages can be quite the jolt back to my Buddhist practice.....or lately....a reminder that I have not been following Buddha's teachings.
This message above really hit home when I read it. If you have read my blog for any time, you are aware of the struggle I have been having with the person I used to date, share my life, & plan a future with. We have been 'roomies' for a lack of a better description for about 2 yrs now. He moved into the guest room hoping it would all blow over once I finished my PhD. Unfortunately, jealousy of my openess on this BLOG fueled inappropriate bahaviors including very derogatory name-calling, character judgements and loud drunken hissy fits.
Why did I continue to allow this treatment?....Well, that is where this message today from HH comes in. I am aware I was waiting for him to 'realize' those hateful things he said about my character were a result of his inability to communicate in a healthy manner. I thought over time we could discuss it......really listen to eachother.....understand our own triggers.....& work on changing behaviors.
Unfortunately, he sees me as "shrinking" him. Pushing my booksmarts. And I'm sure you can see where that feedback & sharing was going to go! In one ear...out the other. What he failed to realize is.....what I was asking for is the same things anyone who wanted a healthy relationship would!......not because of the PhD journey.
At some point in all of this, I also realized I was not capable of communicating in a manner which would assist him to deal with the baggage if his upbringing & marriage. I suggested he see a therapist.......NOPE......instead...walls were built.....verbal tantrums went too far......emotional scars went too deep.... & here we are.
I've been asking him to find a place.....(usually in response to his claims of what a bitch I am & how I'm impossible to live with) for at least 6-8 monthes......yet.....he... is...still...here!?!?!?!? I ask you dear reader,......if its soooo terrible to live here.....why is he still doing it??
I know if my life was unbearable and I was living in someone elses house......who has told me we will never be a couple again.......that I would make the necessary changes to move on.
So........what finally hit home....& it is painful to admit.......is that I have been asking him to recognize triggers, behave like & change into someone he is not capable of. Most importantly?.....I have to accept he does not want to.
Remember the part of the message that told me non-attachment is having a more accurate view of him...which allows me to let go of my unrealistic expectations.
Today I am 'letting go'........not allowing triggers to happen.....not allowing his hurtful words to puncture me anymore....... & realizing that this behavior I do not wish to be a part of....is...just...him. He does not define me....& he is not my responsibility. He will behave as he wishes........just not in this house as of A WEEK FROM TODAY!!!
NAMASTE'
6 Comments:
I think the biggest thing for you is you gave yourself a date. It takes a while to resolve issues for yourself and once you've reached that level you can then put the "end" on it and find closure in that...hopefully. It would have been nice if he was open to growth, change, and discussion - he was very nice company upon a time. Perhaps he just hasn't found THE trigger to bring him to that realization. Good for you for ending your own misery. I know you've been very unhappy for a long while.
Hi,
Im new to your blog but your situation kinda has similarities to mine. I guess ppl only change when they want to not when we ask them to (no matter how good our intentions) and if it isnt right for us, the only thing we can do is just walk away.
I like the Dalai Lama quote - as a Buddhist from birth, it takes me back to my own religion as well!
Thanks
Best of luck to you girl. I know it's been a struggle.
And as the Dalai Lama says, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."
Yay Minta! I admire your abilty to know yourself so well and not to allow others to stomp you down. You're a bit of an inspiration to me in many ways. Great post. Stacie
I wish you the best in the new adventure you are about to embark on!
the pixie climbs up on a rock,..
looking at all the words carefully,..
"ohhhhhhh,.. i get it noooow..."
she smiles and tilts her head to one side,...
"teach me more! teach me more about these people and their strange ways!!!!"
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