Good News, Bad News....Which First?!

Well, its official blogpeeps..I SUCK!

***and not in a sexual way, as I think that would qualify as a good thing??

I finally got feedback, in totality, on my comps. I received them just in time to ruin a perfectly good cleaning and shopping weekend. Now, I could cut and past the comments as provided by the three esteemed PhD's of my committee....but I won't.

That wouldn't be fair...as they are not here to defend themselves, my mother wouldn't be proud...& quite frankly, I'm pretty sure this guy would not approve.

Lets be honest here, I do not disagree with the statements made about my writing ....I guess its just a crushing blow to my ego. All thru this program I have received nothing but positive comments on my writing, analysis, and ability to communicate the topic at hand. During one residency, one doctor giving a lecture on quantitative research methods, used my writing as an example of "stellar" work. I've received nothing less than A's.....4.0 for all my coursework (with each course culminating with a 40-60 page research paper).

What the fuck!? .....Am I just burnt?? Was I too quick to move on to the meat of this journey?...the big D....the dissertation? Were my comps the result of a procrastination and too much confidence and sitting on my laurels?? Did I not take this seriously enough......Did I not ask enough questions during the initial conference call? Did I really not understand what was expected of me at this stage of the game? AGH!

At 3 am last nite, when I finally got around to reading the first of the feedback, my heart just sank. Here I thought all those long nites and skipped social events, were well worth it.......but as I read the comments (see below), I reflected on this decision, the 40k I have spent in loans already, and how I have blown off my friends, family, the gym. I was seriously wondering if it has all been worth it.

BUT....after a good night sleep.....I refuse to think anything other than it has been worth it!! I told myself to suck it up ....stop throwing the pity party.....give the cross to the chiminera to be burned..... and get the fuck over myself!!

DO NOT FEAR my blogpeeps....for today I called my committee chair to clarify some of the feedback documentation. I also thought what the hell, and had the balls to ask "....is this standard?....or did I just SUCK at this?"

Her response U ask?? ......."well, your submission was a great disappointment" HOWS THAT FOR HONESTY FOLKS?!? She also opened the conversation with "so...are U overwhelmed"? I of course held the tears back and answered as honestly as I could...." yes, Dr. X, I am".

I guess we know what little phrase has been repeating in my head ever since ....don't we ?!?!?!? ....and...she likes me!........god help those she doesn't.

I think the lesson here was for me to experience what its like when others face my blunt honesty!! ::::taking little address book out, and noting who she needs to apologize to:::

Summarization of some of the comments I received:

The learner failed to focus on the topic and her responses were descriptive, incomplete, read like a textbook, lack conceptual understanding of research methods. In addition, the committee feels my writing lacked inclusion of theory, contained a multitude of grammatical, writing, and APA errors.

and

The response to this question lacks organization, focus, integration, and synthesis.

or

One VERY long response could be boiled down to me missing the mark altogether. My writing was referred to as generic, thin, and lacking any reference to current literature.

and lastly:

The doctoral learner failed to give a comprehensive discussion of the scholarly literature. A thorough description of possible post partum depression prevention methods in new mothers was not included and the articles used as reference were "suspect".

** I think that was referring to the use of textbooks on psychology, and the DSM-IV-TR.

In all fairness........in their own coded way, the committee members did include guiding statements such as :

"Perhaps a more exhaustive search of the literature would yield ..."

and

"The learner should review more empirical studies relating to..."

and

"the comprehensive written response could benefit from a strong outline, subheadings, and topic sentences to document integration, synthesis, and the implications for research."

and

"the response to this question would be strengthened by a comprehensive discussion and critical analysis of the theories' assumptions and limitations."

SO....WHAT NOW... U ASK??? (THOSE OF U WHO ARE STILL READING THIS WHINING POSTING)

**** Back to the drawing board......research data bases.....multitude of articles, lates nites, and pots of coffee !! Not sure about any of you, but I work best when I'm pissed off, and feel I have something to prove. AND I am pissed........NOT at the committee members........Im sure they didn't decide that my submittal was going to be the first they trashed unfairly. They did their job.....now its time to do mine. I'm pissed at myself.....first for obviously not taking this seriously enough.... and second for still blogging about it!!! LOL

OH......did I mention I start a new Project Management job on Monday??? Yeah......this is not going to be a pleasant 2 weeks to be around me.

Please think positive thoughts for me. Evidently, I need them more than I thought I did the first time I asked U!?!?!?!?!

:::shutting up now....and getting to the research! :::